Mind Games...
My ex-husband was
a real piece of work for these....he would deliberately go out of his way
to create a situation where he could explode, yell & scream at the top
of his lungs, drooling (a proven classic trait of an abuser) through the
entire episode , his entire performance directed at making me look and
feel responsible for whatever absurdity he was babbling about.
Just
after Christmas (our last one together) he announced to me that he would
not be accompanying a family member out of town; I was happy that he had
chosen to spend the day with me instead; but not five minutes later he
began putting his boots on; I said to him "I thought you said you weren't
going"; he looked at me with those insane eyes of his and at the top of
his lungs screamed "What the f are you talking about now, I never said I
wasn't going". The boots were undone, he kicked one across the room, it
hit a glass lantern that belonged to my Grandmother who is deceased,
smashing the glass. He said "I didn't mean to hit that" then began to rant
& rave a little more, grabbed the boots, put them on & went
outside. When his family member came out of our washroom I asked her "has
he always twisted everyone's words around so he could explode?"; she
responded "yes, sometimes". SOMETIMES?
Two of my neighbors have
admitted to hearing him during his rages; one even said she heard him loud
and clear, threatening to kill me.
He made me nuts....
I could
never do enough, or be enough, or give enough, to make this man happy. He
started his mind games early in our relationship and he was so good at it
I was convinced 'it was me', if I had done something differently or said
something else or had just completely shut the hell up everything would be
fine. It seemed if I was in a good mood, gracefully going through the day
with a smile & letting his little quirks just roll off my back, he
wasn't happy; this annoyed him to no end. He was not content unless he
thought he was getting under my skin or getting away with something. I
remember once he said to me "if you think I'm going to stop looking at
other women you're crazy; I like to look at them and think 'I wonder what
she would be like'". This was in the beginning of our relationship before
he presented the complete dementia of his character, and stupid me, I got
all upset, reacting exactly the way he wanted me to; it made his day. (It
also gave him an excuse to later go into a rage, screeching at me because
something had upset me; I wasn't allowed my own feelings, remember.) Some
time later when I mentioned it to him his response was "I never said that,
I don't remember, I'm sorry". I learned all too late that his main
communication capacity would consist of "I don't know; I don't remember";
I also learned that his "I'm sorry's" weren't worth a pinch of shit. I
found out, also (through one of his family members), that his childhood
vocabulary focused quite a bit on those few words, and stayed with him
right into adulthood. In a manner of speaking, over time I became much
like him; it was my only defense against his abuse. I attained a character
that I am ashamed to admit even existed; a character that did not exist
prior to meeting him, and has not been present since I threw him out. I
began to yell & scream and throw things; it was what I learned from
him. Life with this abnormal creature was taking it's toll on me in a bad,
bad way. Fortunately, thanks to the help of a couple of close friends who
alerted me to the warning signs of a man completely out of control
(remember, he had convinced me that 'it was my fault & I was
responsible for everything that went wrong in his life') I was able to
gain the strength and sense to lock him out. Just in time too, according
to the many counselors that I have spoken to. Characteristics of abuse are
known to start as: verbal, emotional, physical, sexual; my husband fit
right into the mold; in an Abusive Male Profile questionaire he answered
to 22 of the 29 questions. The counselors told me that had I let him stay,
he would have killed me.
And people should keep this in mind: looks
are deceiving. My husband fits right up there with Bundy & Bernardo as
looks go; a private investigator friend of mine told me this is the reason
why so many women have such a hard time convincing juries that the abuser
IS just that. A monster. People look at these guys and say "oh, he
wouldn't do that." Well, with utmost respect, I say tell that to the
parents of Kristin French & Leslie Mahaffy, and also all those girls
that Bundy murdered. People need to wake up to the fact that all monsters
'don't look like monsters.'
And another thing I have learned,
ABUSIVE MEN ARE NOT MENTALLY UNSTABLE/DISTURBED. THEY KNOW EXACTLY WHAT
THEY ARE DOING AND ALSO HAVE COMPLETE CONTROL OVER THEIR ACTIONS.
"painful memories are
like knots on a piece of pine; though sanded and smoothed, they never
quite disappear, and for good cause; they add character to the finished
wood."