PHYSICAL
VIOLENCE:
slapping, kicking, shoving, choking, pinching, forced
feeding, pulling hair, punching, throwing things, burning, beating, use of
weapons (gun, knives, or any object), physical restraint - pinning against
wall, floor bed. Running at you with the car.
SEXUAL VIOLENCE:
demeaning jokes, unwanted touching, excessive jealousy, comparison to
others, inflicting pain during sex, withholding sex for punishment,
treating someone as a sex object, name-calling, any forced sexual
activity, sexual accusations, flaunted stories of extra-marital affairs,
unwanted exposure to pornography, pressuring for sex after abuse.
IMTIMIDATION:
demonstrating anger, smashing things, abusing
pets, witnessing abuse, stomping out of room or house, inducing fear
through looks, actions, gestures. Destroying victims' property, displaying
weapons, sudden moods swings, pounding fist through wall or on table.
VERBAL ABUSE/MINIMIZING/DENYING/BLAMING:
angry outbursts,
subtle brainwashing, accusing, saying abuse didn't happen, denying anger,
attacking attitudes, beliefs, name calling, blaming, making light of
abuse, not taking victim's concerns seriously, telling victim they caused
abusive behaviours, belittling efforts of victim to improve themselves.
EMOTION ABUSE/DEGREDATION/INSULTS/
HUMILIATION:
putting
another down, playing mind games, making another feel guilty, putdowns,
removal of decision-making power, no privacy tolerated, driving in a
frightening way, forcing another to do degrading things, ignoring,
discounting another's activities, making another feel bad about
themselves, making another feel as if they're crazy, public or private
humiliation, scolding, shouting, disrupting routines, forcing someont to
"report to them", infantalization, denying basic rights.
ISOLATION:
limited outside involvement, moving residences,
forcing someone to account for their time, making it difficult for someone
to get a job, withholding affection for punishment, attempting to turn
against their friends/family, forcing victim to avoid people/friends out
of embarrassment, criticisms, humiliation in front of them. Control of
communication with others (i.e. listening in on phone calls, opening &
censoring mail, reading private e-mail), using jealousy to justify
isolation, being kept in the home, monitoring where someone goes,
restricting use of the car, preventing someone from getting medical care.
ECONOMIC ABUSE/THEFT:
withholding funds, theft of money,
fraud, forcing someone to ask for basic necessities, preventing another
from getting or keeping a job, not letting someone know of or have access
to family/personal income, rationing money, theft of property, asking for
receipts even for small purchases, making someone account for all money
spent.
COERCING/THREATS:
making and/or carrying out threats,
threatening suicide, threatening to report someone to welfare, threatening
loved ones, threatening to kidnap children, legal harassment, threatening
to find another partner, making another drop charges against perpetrator,
threatening to leave, threatening homicide, making another do illegal
things, threatening to harm property or pets, threatening deportation,
forcing someone to "report" to them, threatening to come after partner if
they leave, threatening to use information abuser may have about someone's
past life against them, threatening to remove financial support if partner
won't have sex, terrorizing (i.e.driving recklessly, tying noose around
someone's neck, playing with a gun or knife in victim's presence.)
OCCASIONAL INDULGENCES:
(when not the norm or after abusive
behaviours):
compliments, hugs, gifts, money, flattery, apologies,
taking out to dinner.
ENFORCING TRIVIAL DEMANDS:
food
preparation - choice of purchases, time served, temperature
household
duties - small details (i.e. amount of bath water used, wrong egg
scrambled).
USING CHILDREN:
making her feel guilty about the
children, using visitation to harass partner, using the children to relay
messages, threatening to take the children away.
USING PRIVLEDGE
FOR PURPOSE OF POWER OVER:
treating someone like a servant, acting
like the "master of the castle", making all the "big" decisions, being the
one to define everyone else's roles.
PSYCHOLOGICAL UNAVAILABILITY:
silent treatment, ignoring, forcing someone to say what abuser wants
to hear, threatening another's concern as unimportant or a nuisance or
being angered by them. Not listening, conditional affection.
CRAZY
MAKING:
denial of situation, lying to someone's friends, using Jekyll/Hyde personality, teaching someone a "lesson", saying things like
"You've never had it so good" and "I have made you what you are." Tell
someone they're crazy, finding someone at fault for everything, telling
small lies about unimportant things, saying one thing and expecting
something else.
EXHAUSTION:
deprivation of sleep, food, money.
Demanding too much sex, asking "Why are you tired?" (under these
circumstances). Not being allowed to be sick or have special needs,
enforcing unrealistic expectations, waking someone up to fight.
NEGLECT:
inadequate hygiene, withholding medical services,
withholding or inadequate provision of physical requirements (i.e. food,
housing, medicine, clothing, physical aids). Inadequate safety precautions
taken.
As you will see after reading my pages, my ex-husband
fits nearly all of the above categories. In defense of his abuse, as the
only way I knew how to survive his abuse, I unfortunately took upon a few
of the categories myself. I am totally ashamed, believe me. But those
'categories' were not present in my character prior to being abused by
'the man who loved me', nor have they been present in my character since I
threw him out.The abuse started with my husband storming out of here after
a situation he created to give him 'reason to leave' then he would call me
to tell me he was never coming back; he would leave 'inter-system'
messages on our voice-mail, also, saying he was never coming back. (Had I
only known then what I know now!) He threatened suicide; left notes for
me, his Mother, and his daughter. They are all on file with our local
hospital, on the Psych ward where he spent the weekend......twice.....once
after the first suicide attempt (when I was pregnant the first time) and
once after the second suicide attemt (when I was pregnant the second
time). His displays of abuse were endless, and only intensified as the
relationship went on. I had all the trust & faith for this man that
any man could ever ask for....until the abuse started...after he was
finished "telling me what I wanted to hear"...slowly I lost all of that
trust and faith. At different times I told my ex that he was to blame for
these losses; he just screamed at me, fists clenched, stomping around like
he always did, then his fists would
'unclench' and his hands would
repeatedly, quickly, open and close, open and close....as he, once again,
failed to assume responsibility for his actions.
I thank God every
day of my life, for everything that my daughter and I have. My prayer
contains thanks, huge thanks, that this monster is out of our lives.
"women should not
define themselves through men"