PROFILE OF ABUSIVE MEN:
Possessiveness - view their partners as their own property.
Control & Power - believe they have a right to control their
partners, tell them what to do, and expect obedience; feel justified in
using force to maintain power & control over partners, and get them to
comply; feel their partners have no right to challenge this.
Externalize Blame - will not assume responsibility for their
actions; projects the blame for their anger or violence onto others
(especially their partners).
Tendency to Justify, Deny, Minimize,
or Reframe their behaviour - for example "someone has to be in charge", "I
have never hit you", or "That's not the way it happened at all. You are
over-reacting."
Unrealistic Expectations of Partners to Fulfill
Their Needs - expect their partners to make them feel happy, make them
feel complete.
Express Most Feelings as Anger in the Form of
Violence - don't know how to identify & express hurt, frustration,
stress, sadness, fear, etc. Chooses to express them in the form of anger
& abusive behaviour towards partner; displaces anger from others
sources (work, finances, etc.) onto partner.
An abuser may be impulsive & quick tempered but is able to demonstrate extra ordinary control when to do so is in his best interest ie. around people he is trying to impress, the police, co-workers, the court, etc.
Isolation - tendency to cut partners off from other relationships;
tendency to have only superficial friendships or contacts with others
themselves; difficulty in sharing problems or discussing deep personal
feelings.
Abusive men in particular believe in traditional
male/female rolls; as man is breadwinner & ultimate decision maker; to
be a man one must be strong, dominant, superior & successful.
Need to Maintain an Over-Adequate Facade - inability to reveal
vulnerability or anxiety (with the exception, perhaps, of the period
immediately after an abusive incident); avoid their own feelings of
dependence.
Alcohol Abuse Varies - 25% abuse only when drunk; 25%
when drunk or sober; 25% never drink; 25% are social drinkers & not
drunk when abusing. These stats may vary slightly, but the abuse happens
whether or not abuser is using alcohol or drugs.
Socialized into
Aggression - have been taught directly or indirectly that aggression is an
appropriate means of problem-solving and of demonstrating authority in
certain situations.
Lacking Self Esteem - many people lack self
esteem and are not abusive. But abusers attempt to displace those feelings
through power & control over their partner.
Not Mentally
ill -
the proportion of mentally ill battering men is no greater than the
proportion of mentally ill people in the population at large.
(from "A New Beginning"; produced by The Denise House / Sedna
Women's Shelter & Support Services Inc.)
E-mail: denisehs@idirect.com
HOW TO HELP A
FRIEND: LISTEN, BELIEVE
HER STORY. DO NOT JUDGE. It's not your job to prove how it happened. It's
your job, as a friend, to listen & give comfort & support.
LET HER KNOW YOU CARE & WANT TO HELP. Use patience & understanding. Let her decide what help she wants from you. It is very important that she make her own decisions. You can listen & offer suggestions & encouragement but she must choose what will be best for her. LET HER KNOW SHE IS NOT TO BLAME. You may need to do this over & over again. It is important that she knows the offender is to blame, not her. Avoid asking blaming questions such as "Why did you go there with him?", "Why didn't you scream?", etc. RESPECT HER RIGHT TO PRIVACY by letting her be in control of who she wants to tell. You should not repeat her story unless she has specifically asked you to. PUT ASIDE YOUR FEELINGS and deal with them somewhere else. It is very difficult to listen to the hurt, anger, and pain someone close to you is having without you feeling that way too. It is important that you talk about these feelings with someone else because it is difficult enough for her to deal with her own feelings without having to deal with yours as well. *JUST A PERSONAL
NOTE HERE: If you are the friend of an abused woman, please do not turn
your back on her; do not make her feel that you are tired of listening to
her; do not tell others who may have recently entered her life, things
like "at least you were spared that grief"; when one of my friends told
that to another friend I thought to myself 'grief from having to hear that
her friend was hurt or grief from having to listen to her when she needed
someone to talk to?' Whatever she meant, it hurt me to hear it. Please do
not isolate your friend; you'd be amazed at the number of my friends who
now are 'suddenly so very busy' at this, that, and the other thing,
whereas we used to see each other & call each other very frequently. I
have made a circle of new friends so I am not without a social life by any
means, but it does hurt to know the ones that I stood by over the years,
through their traumas, are the ones who I rarely hear from. "a friend knows the song in my heart and sings it to me when memory fails me." | |